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hi

 I am an ST1 in paediatrics and I am tired. Like, really, really, really bloody tired. In the past 3 years since my last post I have: - Stopped talking to all of those FY1 friends (it was a whole thing, exacerbated by moving hospital for FY2, an unexpected pandemic and the loss of the will to live) - Done an FY3 in neonates that for the first 6 months, made me wonder if I wanted to be a neonatologist, and for the second six months made me hate myself - Started ST1 paediatric training after failing to get in the first time, crying a lot, panicking a lot, visiting some other deaneries, considering GP training, trying to beef up my CV and also having a life - Married Steve in a beautiful wedding that was honestly a truly brilliant time thanks to my family, friends and the weather; had an amazing honeymoon by the sea, in wine country and on a road trip that was honestly absolutely wild - Tried to buy a house in the area I am desperate to live in - Started driving lessons to the point w...
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Fresh bread

Sometimes it's just incredibly nice to be reminded that I make my own money now and don't need to feel guilty about it. I can buy a nice fresh loaf of bread and cut it myself in all manner of shapes to fit a wedge of cheese, and nobody will judge me (primarily because I live alone.) I can spend ridiculous money on jewellery (16 quid! For a ring! I bought two.) I can fill my house with plants and whilst people may tease me, I don't have to feel guilty because I bought them myself. Coronavirus has left me feeling unspeakably lonely, to be fair. There's only so much you can do to prevent it- my parents have dropped food round, I've skyped and zoomed and had all manner of conversations, but when your life outside of work is limited to your own home, it's bleak.
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6 months in

I used to have a lot of blog posts on an old blog and I deleted it in 2017, wanting to start afresh. I guess 2020 is the time to start.  I'm now 6 months through FY1 and I'm tired. I guess I never actually saw myself here. I used to idolise medical students on social media, so excited to do what they were doing- and I guess I was never really enthused the way I thought I would be until the fifth year when I finally had flatmates and friends I liked. Now, I can't really believe I'm actually a doctor. My life goals have been realised. What's next?! Now I'm two jobs in, live on my own, have a fiance that lives across an ocean, still can't cannulate well and I'm simultaneously living a life I both hate and adore. I have new F1 friends I absolutely love, I largely enjoy my day job, I feel fulfilled, I can't wait to be back with Steve- and yet I am completely tired of the politics of work, how nasty people can be in the hospital, tired of having to ...
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