6 months in

I used to have a lot of blog posts on an old blog and I deleted it in 2017, wanting to start afresh. I guess 2020 is the time to start. 

I'm now 6 months through FY1 and I'm tired. I guess I never actually saw myself here. I used to idolise medical students on social media, so excited to do what they were doing- and I guess I was never really enthused the way I thought I would be until the fifth year when I finally had flatmates and friends I liked. Now, I can't really believe I'm actually a doctor. My life goals have been realised. What's next?!

Now I'm two jobs in, live on my own, have a fiance that lives across an ocean, still can't cannulate well and I'm simultaneously living a life I both hate and adore. I have new F1 friends I absolutely love, I largely enjoy my day job, I feel fulfilled, I can't wait to be back with Steve- and yet I am completely tired of the politics of work, how nasty people can be in the hospital, tired of having to learn so much at once.

It's half learning things that are actually useful (relearning anatomical landmarks, new procedures) and half learning to navigate stupid things like egos and management. It's half being thrilled to live alone and having an excuse to go home whenever I want (skyping Steve) and half having extreme FOMO and hating having to deal with everything alone. 

Here are all the things I love about my life right now:
  • Being Steve's fiancee. (Steve in general, is the absolute best.)
  • Being close enough to home home that I get to see my parents regularly
  • Having my own space full of my own space, and enough money to buy things for that space
  • Having fresh flowers in my house all the time
  • All the candles and moisturisers I bought in Canada making everything smell very reminiscent of my elective (AKA the best time ever)
  • Having marginally less acne than usual
  • My new F1 friends being people I enjoy being around and feel comforted by
  • Having had the chance to be there for a lot of patients and their families at the end of their lives
  • My horrendously bright clinic clothes and developing a very loud personal style
  • Getting to plan a wedding and a life with my favourite person
  • Lots of trips both past and future outdoors - national parks, camping, the sea
  • Being a woman that owns a lot of plants 
  • Going into work and knowing largely what I'm doing and how to be both efficient and caring

A girl around my age asked me on the street the other day what I was grateful for. Honestly, I thought it was a distraction technique and was terrified her friend was going to pick my pockets, but it did help me realise that life really is pretty good. When this rotation is over, hey, it might be even better.

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