hi

 I am an ST1 in paediatrics and I am tired. Like, really, really, really bloody tired.

In the past 3 years since my last post I have:

- Stopped talking to all of those FY1 friends (it was a whole thing, exacerbated by moving hospital for FY2, an unexpected pandemic and the loss of the will to live)

- Done an FY3 in neonates that for the first 6 months, made me wonder if I wanted to be a neonatologist, and for the second six months made me hate myself

- Started ST1 paediatric training after failing to get in the first time, crying a lot, panicking a lot, visiting some other deaneries, considering GP training, trying to beef up my CV and also having a life

- Married Steve in a beautiful wedding that was honestly a truly brilliant time thanks to my family, friends and the weather; had an amazing honeymoon by the sea, in wine country and on a road trip that was honestly absolutely wild

- Tried to buy a house in the area I am desperate to live in

- Started driving lessons to the point where I could probably take a driving test without the examiner wondering if I was trying to kill them

- Made a bunch of new friends but severely missed my old ones.

The last few months (the end of FY3 and the start of ST1 (same job, different title, same role), have seen me exhausted beyond belief. I now truly know what burnout is and of course, it all came to a head during changeover week. A large cry in the toilet (due to missing out on a cool opportunity), a large cry on the balcony (due to feeling shit at my job and a baby being very, very ill) and trying to conceal that in front of my supervisor lead to me being dragged out of the office and into a series of meetings about me trying to cool the hell down. 

I have never, ever, been good at looking after myself. This time I at least have the insight to say I know that I don't have hobbies and that all I do is sleep and work and think about work and sleep and repeat. Haven't quite worked out how to change that given that I still can't drive and live in a flat and all the things I like doing require an ocean or company and neither of those are within walking distance or available during working hours. I tried painting; it's still like a small child wanted to fingerprint and my inner (let's be honest, outer) perfectionist doesn't like that. My plants are very clear the more attention I give them, the more they'll hate it. There isn't a swimming pool that works with my hours and you can only read so many books. I tried peloton; 20-30 minutes at a time is nice but doesn't fill the day in the way I wish it would.

Thankfully, being married to Steve remains the best. He makes me realise that there is significantly more to life than a job- whether that's eating all his baking (he's stolen the mixer), trying new beers or realising at some point we want a house and children etc etc, he makes me excited for the future. I could do any job in the world and he'd support me and I'd be happy, because I have him and I know he wouldn't let me do anything stupid (like quit and be a primary school teacher, because I do not have the patience for that AT ALL.) 

It is so hard when the majority of my life is work and it makes me feel like I need to beef up my CV RIGHT THIS SECOND RIGHT NOW. I have never done enough courses, published enough, been to enough conferences, seen enough diverse pathology, written enough, reflected enough, gotten enough assessments signed off, done enough exams. Work is so busy and we are in such a bad spell that it feels awful to have to be that needy trainee that's like 'tell me I'm good pls I am spiralling, validate me pls pls'. I can do as many discharges and postnatal shifts and NIPES and bloods as I like but there will always be someone from paeds phoning about an inappropriate admission or a registrar asking me to go to a delivery I don't feel comfortable with or a cannula that just won't thread. There is no way to feel good at my job and I have never been good at being self sufficient in praise. 

The house we have an offer in on is in a kerfuffle and even I can't organise my way out of this one. Driving lessons only progress as far as my confidence lets them (i.e. not far) so I can't even look forward to moving because then I can't get to work unless Steve happens to have a matching shift. I want to move away from the city and away from work to get some headspace but that headspace at the moment will be occupied by how I'm going to get to my next shift... useless.

It's a spiral of rubbish. Let's hope this week of driving lessons, exam revision, chasing estate agents and somehow reviving my life outside of medicine, does something. God, even on reading this post I can see work is the priority. COME BACK LIFE I PROMISE I MISS YOU